By: Lanisha Porter
A few months ago I sat with a loved one as she read me messages she had recently received from a past lover from decades ago. The messages from him were confessions about how in hindsight he sees that he married the wrong woman, and wishes instead he married her. Though I was grateful she trusted in me enough to share such with me, I was disappointed to learn the truth about the reservoir of a man’s heart. Essentially, this made me slow my roll on wanting to become a wife.
What is a wife to do when her husband retreats to himself, and starts flipping through his rolodex of old dreams with other women, wondering if she was a mistake?
I’ve always imagined a marriage as a bond between two persons who are growing toward each other as one, becoming firm in their soul tie. Careful not to welcome such a pessimistic pattern of thought, I never wanted to think about the moments where two persons grow away from each other. But after hearing the confessions from that man, it made me wonder if the man I marry in the future will secretly mourn and celebrate the fantasies of another woman within the deepest reserves of his heart. It made me think about the day when my husband could quietly grow away from me, resulting in confessions on another woman’s phone in the wee hours of the morning. What is a wife to do when her husband retreats to himself, and starts flipping through his rolodex of old dreams with other women, wondering if she was a mistake?
Not knowing the answer made me think hard about the different fates I would be scheduled to succumb to after becoming a wife. I figured that if I took my time approaching that journey down the aisle, the man waiting at the end of it would—beyond a reasonable doubt—know that I am the woman for him. Perhaps life would have afforded him enough experiences to inform his decision so that he could be absolutely sure about me. I don’t think that there’s anything more superficial or scary than someone loving you simply because they couldn’t have the one that they loved. In fact, I’m not sure if that’s love at all. It’s more like convenient fulfillment. And although I thought the story of my loved one and her "lost love" was just an isolated happening, I've come to see that it's very common actually. There are many people I've encountered who are in love with someone that's other than the person they are actually with. And it is that fear right there of waking up to someone who hopes I mirror parts of their lost dreams with old lovers to fill voids they secretly have, that has made me hesitant to be arm-strong to any man.
Therefore, whenever I do vow my “I Dos” I pray that it may be to a man with a pure heart holding no reservations for anyone else. I never want to marry someone whose heart is deadbolted securing old hopes for old "thangs". I hope being a wife really is about love, and not just convenient fulfillment. Either way, I’m in no rush to find out.
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Welcome to my views from this horizon!