Unusual Advice: Instead of Telling You Not To, I'm Telling You To Choose Wisely...

By: Lanisha Porter

My usual spill to young ladies is to delay sexual interaction at all costs. Simply because sex at a young age often comes with consequences many young people aren’t yet mature enough to handle. I believe youthfulness is best spent securing endless possibilities for the adult self. But I’ve realized that that advice often falls on deaf ears in a culture that glorifies sex and shuns chastity. Therefore, instead of telling you not to, I’m telling you to choose wisely when you do decide to engage in sex.

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I still whole-heartedly endorse waiting to have sex, but in the case you can’t I highly recommend picking a partner that respects you.  This means nothing should ever happen that you do not want to happen. Whether it’s a matter of your partner inching to unripen your pants; unsnap your bra; or take off your shirt—none of this should be done without your permission. When entering such a personal and intimate space, nothing should be presumptuous; it all should be very sure with very clear intentions and understandings. A sure way to tell if your partner really respects you and your body, is observing how they respond to your body language and verbal language.

If you want to have sex, then communicate that with your partner. If you are not willing to go past a certain level with your partner, make that very clear as well. In the case you do not want to have sex with your partner, make sure that they understand that. And please never feel ashamed of saying no and saying it firmly. Saying no doesn’t necessarily mean you are rejecting the person, it can mean you are not ready to engage with them in sex, and that’s perfectly okay. I strongly feel that communication and very open conversation is needed before having sex with someone. If there are bodily fluids being exchanged, being shy and awkward has already went out the window. Having sex always means there’s a risk for the transmission of HIV/AIDS, other sexually transmitted diseases and even pregnancy. Condoms and birth control are helpful in reducing the risk of the things mentioned above, but they are not absolute. You should ask your partner what their status is and always use protection if you do plan to have sex. Do not expect the other person to protect you. You must always have an interest in protecting yourself by asking questions and taking preventative measures to avoid anything you do not want.

If you are afraid to have the conversation leading up to sex and what you do or do not want, that fear within itself makes it very obvious that you shouldn’t be having sex. While sex may feel very good, it comes with tremendous responsibility. There is nothing casual or minor about ensuring your health or risking the possibility of pregnancy. If you are not very careful, sex can be a down payment on a life-long commitment.

All in all, I want young ladies to know having sex does not make you lesser or a bad person. Having sex is a very natural and necessary part of life. However, sex can become very dangerous and harmful when precautions aren’t taken. When you have sex with many people, not knowing their status or intentions, you can put yourself at a tremendous disadvantage while cutting down severely on your own future opportunities. I believe there are other pleasures you can engage in that too offer fulfillment. Sex isn’t the only thing you can do; many people just blindly choose to do it because it is the easiest of pleasures to access. It doesn’t take much thinking, talking, virtue or effort. People often blindly engage in sex led by their biological impulses, and only ever experience the lowest level of it. I hold strong convictions that when you wait to have sex, and actually build a bond with your partner built on respect and trust, then that’s when you experience the invigorating thrill of meaningful sex which belongs to the highest level of intimacy.

Make sure your partner respects you and your desires—even if your desires are to remain untouched—and understand the world of consequences that are behind your choices. In return, be sure you are respecting your partner and their wishes. Relationships and/or love should never be one-sided; it should energize both persons and afford both parties the opportunity to freely make decisions. Forcing a partner to go against their most personal wishes isn’t becoming of a healthy relationship. So while I do not condone sex for those at a young age, I do condone making well thought-out and critical decisions to secure the best future and circumstances possible.