Managing Anger I Didn’t Know I Had

By: Lanisha D. Porter

   
​    Few things passionately anger me...or so I thought. Maybe I convinced myself I didn’t get angry—because women of elegance don’t really do that sorta thing—or maybe I just became great at hiding it. Whatever the case, as of late, my anger has reared its ugly head—more than it ever has in my life—causing a strain on some of my most precious relationships.

    

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   As you age into maturity, you grow to understand yourself deeply and unpack the complexities that exist within you. For me, I hadn’t quite realized just how extremely and passionately invested I was in the things that orbited me. My family. My work. My friends. My partner. My dreams.  ​All of which were things I embodied high expectations for and expected loyalty from. Therefore, when the unexpected ever happened—family failed to meet an expectation or a friend breeched a level of trust with betrayal—just as passionately interested as I was, I was also just as passionately angrrrryyyyy. And when I say angry I don’t mean punching walls, or physically assaulting someone. I mean going from 1, 2, maybe 3, then skyrocketing to 100. Yelling; perhaps projecting an item, and losing my ability to communicate without choice words.

​ What I hadn’t realized was this...I was a very willing participant and volunteer in creating the vast firestorms of anger I was experiencing. Yep! I was!

How, you ask??!

    By being so extremely and passionately invested in things outside of my own willpower. I was unknowingly bestowing tremendous power into these very things.
(No wonder they could detonate my emotional bombs!)

What I’ve come to learn is this:

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• •You cannot control the loyalties of other persons. Everybody will be willing to betray you for something in this world as they seek to secure their own self-interests.
  

•You cannot control family. No matter how much you love them or want the best for them you cannot will them to live a life you have imagined for them.

•You cannot control if other persons properly execute the duties assigned to them that may affect your work. You can only make provisions, get smarter, and recruit wiser.

    To even write the aforesaid, alone, showcases my maturity and growth. In my youth, I didn’t understand that. In fact, I thought it was admitting to defeat to confess such things. I’ve always believed I could will my preferred experiences.

    It wasn’t until my many angry outbursts that I decided to do some internal searching, to understand the root of the ugly fruit I was seeing hanging from the vine of self. What I found was that too many things I had given power to (or care so deeply about) were upsetting me. The answer to the resolve was simple: stop giving power to those things. Care way less. Focus on what i can control. Forgive shortcomings. Save my expectations for myself and don’t impose them on others.

    I imagine taking back this power will bring about a lot of calm in my life. I hope that this advice may do the same for you. Take what you need.